How You Begin Your Divorce Sets the Tone
Conflict is inevitable in a divorce. But there are two types of divorces. The first is the divorce that's bitter, contentious, and expensive because the parties are engaging in legal warfare and paying their attorneys to air their dirty laundry in court. Then there's the second type of divorce. This divorce is more kind, compassionate, and amicable because the parties recognize that ending a marriage is difficult but it can still be done with mutual respect, decency, and civility. The second option isn't always possible when there's betrayal, abuse, or control issues, or one party is unwilling to accept what is happening and refuses to be civil. But if the second option is the one you desire, how you begin your divorce matters.
The Pitfalls of "Lawyering Up"
In today's society, the knee-jerk reaction to divorce is often to "lawyer up" and prepare for battle. While having legal representation is important, this adversarial approach can quickly escalate tensions and turn a painful situation into a full-blown war.
When you start your divorce with a combative mindset, it becomes challenging to shift gears later on. The focus shifts from finding mutually agreeable solutions to winning at all costs. This not only prolongs the divorce process but also inflicts deeper emotional wounds on everyone involved, especially any children.
You have options. Many divorces are completed without attorneys at all, or where the attorney serves in a consulting role to help the parties protect their interests but the attorney is not in an adversarial role filing motions and battling it out in court.
6 Steps to Set the Right Tone for Your Divorce
1. Prioritize Open and Honest Communication
The foundation of any amicable divorce is open and honest communication. Even if you're feeling hurt, angry, or betrayed, try to approach conversations with your spouse with empathy and respect. Listen actively to their concerns and express your own needs clearly and calmly. Don't blindside your spouse. Serving your spouse with divorce papers out of the blue is a surefire signal that you're looking for a fight.
2. Hire a Divorce Coach
A divorce coach can help you define your values and goals, help you navigate the legal process, work with you to create proposals that align with your circumstances, and offer support when emotions run high. They are typically less expensive than attorneys and usually help keep the divorce "on the rails."
3. Consider Mediation or Collaborative Divorce
Mediation and collaborative divorce are alternative dispute resolution processes that empower couples to work together to reach mutually agreeable solutions. These approaches foster a more cooperative environment and can help preserve your relationship with your spouse, even as you end your marriage. Engaging these options early on in the process helps keep the divorce from getting out of control.
4. Focus on the Big Picture
It's easy to get caught up in the minutiae of dividing assets and hashing out custody arrangements. However, try to keep the big picture in mind. What are your long-term goals? What's best for your children? By focusing on these overarching priorities, you can make decisions that support a more peaceful and positive future for everyone.
5. Seek Emotional Support
Divorce is emotionally draining, and it's essential to have a strong support system in place. Lean on friends, family, a coach, or a therapist to help you process your emotions and navigate the challenges ahead. Remember, you don't have to go through this alone.
6. Practice Self-Care
Taking care of your physical and emotional well-being is crucial during this time. Make sure you're getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, and exercising regularly. Engage in activities that bring you joy and help you de-stress. When you're healthier and actively managing stress, you can handle the emotional and logistical challenges of divorce much better.
Remember: It's a Journey, Not a Race
Divorce is a process, and it takes time to heal and move forward. Be patient with yourself and your spouse. There will be setbacks along the way and the process can be painfully slow. If you remain committed to a respectful and compassionate approach, you can create a less bitter and contentious experience for everyone involved.
By choosing to begin your divorce with respect, not warfare, you pave the way for a smoother transition and a brighter future. Remember, the way you begin your divorce can significantly impact the outcome. By prioritizing communication, cooperation, and emotional well-being, you can create a more positive and empowering experience for yourself and your family.
